Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
