happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
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