Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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