I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
