i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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