you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
