Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
