After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
