6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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