***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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