I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
