I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Randomize
