Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
