that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
