Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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