i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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