I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
