so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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