apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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