it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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