i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
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She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
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If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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