carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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