This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
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