I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Randomize
