And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
