I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
