Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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