Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
