So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
