Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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