Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
