Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
