i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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