Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
