I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
