GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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