Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
