Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
