I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
