I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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