dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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