3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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