Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
