Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
