My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza