Lets date for the summer
Dont love me in September.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.