His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
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Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
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If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you