you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
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