I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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