Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
