Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
