"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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