i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
