shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
