We named our party play list daddy issues
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Operation Purity has been aborted
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
