My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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